Today I Curled Up On The Floor and had a Little Cry.

Positives- I can express emotions!
Negatives- I don't feel too good.

So, still getting over this break up it seems. It doesn't feel too good being at home. I miss having someone to talk to that is going to say something interesting back to me. Bothering people on Facebook doesn't quite cut it. It definitely doesn't feel like a real interaction. My parents love me, they're always around, but again, that's not the same. Often it's a negative! Friends are few, far between and very busy with their own lives.

I'm still waiting to hear back from the universities that I really want to get into. I can't imagine my amateur hour portfolio will impress Glasgow and Goldsmiths is prestigious- no place for my lowly academic history. We will see. My proof of character stuff was pretty damn strong but I don't know how true to life it is anymore.

I despise this environment. I'm not too happy with my ability to make it better. The girl I was with was an inspiration to me (not just because of love but because of actual real life things that she did/was able to do) and I don't have that here. Things are so boring and uninspiring. It's as though I can feel the positive mindset and skills that I learned from her falling away and that's terrifying to me. Letting go of a relationship is one thing but losing the good things you strived for is another.

I want another chance to feel worthful and a part of something and I'm afraid of what will happen to me if university denies me that chance. I am not confident in my ability to survive another year of drudgery, nevermind my ability to find something better for myself in the meantime.

What a hole. It feels like I'm losing my mind. BUT, at least I can express emotions and the future isn't closed- just in purgatory. I can't stand that but who knows, something good could happen.

I Made a Travel Cello (Prototype).

Part of design is rapid prototyping. It's a big part! The more you prototype, the more aware you become of the issues you might face in creating a final product. Such issues could be anything from usability to material strength to-- whatever, you get it.

I combined forces with a friend of mine who makes violins. I brainstormed with him the technicalities of creating a travel cello and was very pleasantly surprised by his willingness to step outside of the norm. Traditionalism is something endemic to string luthiery.

We made a functioning prototype- that sounds awful, of course- but it proved what aspects of our design were usable and what things might need more attention. The system works!

It's something I'm going to keep working on. I'd like to get a functioning, to scale prototype finished. It will take some time... Hopefully if universities let me in I can look forward to the making of even more stuff!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEaJy8oT2IY

I Worked Hard On Finishing My Portfolio.

Time has been a mess over the last few weeks. Wake up, feel terrible, try and launch into something. Today is the finishing of a portfolio for an interview that I didn't expect to get at a time I wasn't prepared for.

Well, I've almost finished it. I think I may as well bring a macaroni picture for all the professionalism it oozes. What's worse is they look at the portfolio without you being there! Weird. Why? I want to talk about my ideas.

Ah well. It will be done how it's done and things will happen how they happen. I'm going to go to London tomorrow and charm the shit out of them. At least I have my eloquence! However, my dither has gotten worse as of late. I hope that's simply down to a lack of linguistic exercise and not a tumour or anything.

I'm yet to hear back from two universities, one wants proof that I'm not foreign and another has given me 3 different deadlines for an eportfolio. Awesome, I just hope the right one is the latest one and I'll shoot for that.

Failing university it's time to enter into the shitty world of full time work in which my opportunities for a fulfilling job are nowt. Jokes on everyone though because I'll do it for as long as I need to before disappearing into the world. What does that mean? Guess we'll find out, huh?

I Get Out Of Bed Everyday.

Mornings are harder than most other times. Just like how if you're ill you'll feel worse in the morning, I feel super unhappy in the mornings. I've usually had dreams in which things are how I wish they were or I've had a  memory of the past, every emotional detail expounded in full. It's not nice leaving that behind.

I wake up and everything's the same. I have work to do that I don't think I'm able to do well and the future is still as uncertain as ever- I expect it is for most people. Still, I've been out of bed by at latest 10am every day. It sounds stupid-- I mean I'm not achieving anything. I still feel awful for not being very productive but at least I'm not defeated.

Huff. It's not ideal. "Little things matter", he says through gritted teeth.

TEFL Class Course- Finished!

As part of my plans to reconvene with Sara I decided I could be useful if I knew how to teach English. I could do it socially and for money, should I need to. So, I booked a place on a course with TEFL academy that consisted of two 10 hour classroom days and 100 hours of online content. Lot's of things changed between me having the idea and the course.

On Thursday I found out that a university wanted a portfolio in 7 days,,, hm. And those course days are 10 hours meaning I lose two days... thought I'd at least have another month. Then on the second day of the course I got an interview invite for the same Thursday for a different university.

Still, I staved off the stress and did the course. It was really good! I would recommend it if the quality of the course didn't hinge so entirely upon the quality of the teacher. The people I was with were okay, too. Some were more interesting than others, a few were a bit annoying, but none of them were idiots. It was somewhat nice. I finished the course and it was worth it- that's what matters.

Now what? Well, I have those 100 hours of online stuff to get through. Thaaat can wait. I now have 4 days to finish a portfolio. Urgh. It's strange, in some ways things are getting harder but it's getting easier to be happy with things.

The lesson is that sometimes your brain can be separate from the situation you're in- it is probably recommended, really. That way, instead of being torn apart by the baggage you bring to a situation you can react in real time.

Ha! Abstractions will help no one! Sorry about that but I have very little time to do a whole bunch so I'll have to leave it there. Good luck to whatever it is you're working on. Just keep it cool. Getting physically stressed will help absolutely no one, least of all yourself.

Playing Music With My Dad.

I'm not happy with quite a few aspects of my life. The physical parts- they're all great. I have water, food and warmth (mostly) and I am really happy about that. My dissatisfaction comes from perceived mental inadequacies.

The specifics are neither here nor there. On my travels I learned a lot and I felt as though i made a deep and significant change in who I was and what I am capable of. Upon my return I've come to doubt how effective that change was. Why am I not doing as well as I expected I would? (Again, specifics are neither here nor there)

This recording came about when I pushed through my doubts, and mental haze to put some effort into a single interaction. From my radical freedom I reaped a pretty decent reward.

I proved to myself that I have changed. This wouldn't have happened 18 months ago. I didn't have the mental reserves to talk and do something. Whatever my shortcomings- perceived or real- at least I know that I have a better bond with my family than I ever have and that's because of the changes I've made and the subsequent work I've felt able to put into all my interpersonal relationships.

Enjoy.

I Applied to University.

This is a massive one for me. In 2013 I thought I could travel and find a place for myself. I think I got pretty close, actually. However, close isn't close enough, as I'm sure Zeno of Elia would attest.

On my way I learned how having a degree would open doors- on principal if not through effort. Having seen the discipline that Sara came from (Product/Industrial design) I was struck with an admiration of the field. I would say it was equal parts intimidation, too. I am applying for product/industrial design courses in the UK.

Anyway, I have applied to university. Something I thought I wouldn't do for a very very long time, if ever. I'm sick of working shitty jobs with uninspiring people and so this is (hopefully) a step in the right direction. Should I be successful I intend to use the skills I learn to help people/communities in meaningful, calculated ways.

On the downside close is still not close enough and I have to actually get accepted. I don't really have the qualifications I need despite the awesome personal statement and so if I somehow get my foot in the door I will need a good portfolio. I'm working on that but I am finding it very hard as I only have myself to depend on.

Moving Onwards.

At the tail end of last year I returned home after an amazing, 15 month trip around North America with someone whom I loved and respected very much. We were still in love when we parted ways and I had hoped that I would soon enough (after earning some money) get to be back out there with her again in order to continue the adventure. I had some zany plans and ideas.

Well, that's not going to work out anymore!

I've now gone from a fast paced life, and anticipated future, full of tangible, exciting opportunities to a very closed one in which the bellows lighting the beacons of hope consist of me, blowing really hard on embers... and it's raining. Of course it's raining, I live in fucking England.

So. With little money, little social network and little to be excited about I'm trying to make things better.

I learned a lot from the girl I traveled with and I'm trying hard to not forget those lessons. I've done well in the reinforcement of some of them but I'm not in the right environment to excel. To be honest this entire ordeal feels like staunching an arterial bleed with a box of kleenex. It's hard to stay hopeful in purgatory and brains are plastic in both ways- positive to negative. I'm scared of regressing.

For a long while I've identified with Crooks in "Of Mice and Men" when he says the following:

"A guy sets alone out here at night, maybe 

readin' books or thinkin' or stuff like that. Sometimes he gets 

thinkin', an' he got nothing to tell him what's so an' what ain't 

so. Maybe if he sees somethin', he don't know whether it's right or 

not. He can't turn to some other guy and ast him if he sees it too. He 

can't tell. He got nothing to measure by. I seen things out here. I 

wasn't drunk. I don't know if I was asleep. If some guy was with me, 

he could tell me I was asleep, an' then it would be all right. But I 

jus' don't know."

However. I don't want to sympathise with that attitude anymore. I would like to be self assured and, within that change, more able to affect the trajectory of my life, more able to be happy, and most importantly be more able to be a part of the world and the people within it. I would like to be an agent of change and be someone that people can lean on and learn from.

I've made a lot of steps. None of them feel quite good enough and life is rather lonely so I spend a lot of time trying (sometimes succeeding) in keeping myself distracted from being sad. I've got great ambitions and as it stands not the means nor cognitive facility to help me towards them. I hope that with baby steps I will make something for myself.

In this blog I will just be posting dumb, unremarkable things that I can be proud of; that I would ordinarily dismiss as unimportant. I'm not the person I want to be in the place I want to be but at the moment, at the least, I can remind myself that I'm not the person that I really don't want to be.

Ask yourself what dumb things you can be proud of.